Over the past years, I have been going through some major changes. Among these changes, none being scientifically proven or important issues, but I have been changing with my faith, or lack there of.
I have been a victim thru the first part of my life, and that has taken a toll on me as a person and a Christian. I always thought that because I loved Jesus my life would be perfect. That is a lie. I was in for a very rude awakening. "Why do I go through what I go through when God loves me?" I asked myself. My faith had no explanation for this, so I made my own. "God, why do you hate me?"
Everything has always gotten better over the years, but right when it started getting really good, it started going back down. I believe everything happens for a reason. I was born into a family with a pious mother and a nonchalant preacher for a father. I love my dad with all my heart and he is the reason I am where I am today, but my mother, sadly is the one who forced her faith, beliefs, and practices on me. I am who I am who I am spiritually because of her. My dad was always a little chill about his faith and I liked that a lot more, but I was pushed to act like my mother, of course. My father always believed and I wanted to, too.
Good or bad, that is the explanation of why I believed why I believed and why I acted how I acted: I was hurt from all the things hypocritical that my mom has said and done to me and my 4 other siblings. My dad is the only person I have utter faith in on this planet. No one means more to me. I mean no one. He has always been there sticking up for me, and guiding me along my educational path. I will succeed from the drive to learn that my father taught me, but my mom, again, taught me my spiritual aspects and how I should thank God for whatever I do whenever. Just get down and pray, and to me it was a little bit like a load of B.S. but who knows maybe she was right.
I looked at life positively. I tried to live a good life. I was trying to get to heaven. My life was awesome. My God has brought me from has brought me from hell and back. My family was fine until May 27, 2008. A person whom neither me nor my family were familiar with, decided to take my brother's life. That really hit home. I mean I questioned everything I believed at the time. My Faith, my family, my friends, everything; but I stuck it out with God, I kept hoping that he wouldn't let me go. Hoping that he wouldn't leave me until the day came when I was ready. I was going thru a mid-life crisis at fourteen years old, 'I'm not a Christian this, and I'm not a Christian that.' I am a lot of things but an atheist is not, never was, and never will be one of them.