My fear of failing began when I was three years old. I was the leader of my dance group and everyone relied on me to help them when they didn't know what move came next. When the DVD from recital came out, I watched it with my mom. When my group and I started to dance, I noticed that I turned the wrong way and I got mad at myself and started to cry. I wasn't crying because I felt bad for myself, I was crying because I felt like I had let my fellow dancers down and I was embarrassed because I thought that everyone noticed and thought to themselves, "Delaney shouldn't be leading the group, she can't even turn the right way!" In reality, I was probably the only person that saw me turn the wrong way, but the fact that I messed up in front of a bunch of people. I am my own worst critic. Most people don't pick up on or realize the wrong things that I do, except for me. I beat myself up more than anyone would and I push myself harder than anyone would.
The mentality of never wanting to fail still hasn't changed. Whether it's dance, school, sports, or playing a board game, I don't take losing or failing well at all. If I get a "B" in a class on my report card, I feel like I have failed because I know that I can get an "A" and
if I miss a shot in a basketball game, I feel like I have let my team down because we are all trying so hard to win and I'm not helping them when I miss a shot and give the ball to the other team. This flaw doesn't make me a bad person, but it does give people a chance to call me stubborn or snobby. Stubborn, because I don't like to try new things and I don't like to do anything that I know I'm not that good at because I don't want to give myself or anybody else a reason to make fun of me, be upset with me, or think that I can't do something. I feel like I always need to be perfect. Snobby, because some people think that if you try hard to get good grades in school, and you want to dress nice, then you are snobby. I guess I will accept the fact that I am a snob, if I can succeed at everything I do.
It is difficult to think of this flaw as a terrible weakness, because I believe that having a lot of drive to always do well can also have a positive aspect. I don't want to change my mind set, and stop caring about what I do and how I do it, but at the same time, maybe I am too concerned about my performance and not concerned enough about having fun. People tell me to relax, and that it is okay to fail once in a while, maybe they are right?
They say, "You can't expect someone to love you before you learn to love yourself." I think that quote could mean something for many different situations. If I commit a crime, or mentally beat myself up over something I did that was detrimental, I have to forgive myself before I can